midnight poetry

hey.

last night was one of those nights where i couldn’t get to sleep, and when i finally did, it would only last for a few minutes.

it’s easy to write when the rest of the world is asleep. no one is looking over my shoulder or asking what i mean. truth is, meaning is hard. finding something to hold onto even when hope is hiding isn’t easy.

i hope you know what i mean.

here’s the last few months of my sleepless nights.

---

4-19-18
say we’re clueless and insecure
we’re just being kids
spent so much time killing ourselves
we forgot how to live

when the tables all turn
and the cards all fold
we were right to rebel
we won’t do as we’re told

«            »

6-14-18
you said you can do this on your own
you keep pushing me away
i know it hurts you inside
but i’ll come back again

you’ve been feeling so misplaced
but you found comfort in your hideaway
locked in your room
ding things you swore you’d never do again

but we all need you
we all need you here
so when morning comes
you’ll have to unlock your door
you can’t hide anymore
you’ll have to face the world

(i’m sorry)

«            »

7-17-18
to you it’s just another night
but to me it’s another fight
shadows surround me now
and i am terrified of what’s inside of me
i want to be filled with you
but i feel so empty still
i wish i could talk to you
i know you’re listening
but i’ll keep it to myself
i’ve broken all my laws
but i won’t murder you too

---

there’s more, but i’m never really happy with what i write. this is all i could find that i liked enough to share.

stay alive
–
jenny

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slow it down for a second, would you?

hey there.
sorry for the short hiatus. i was visiting my grandparents for the past 11 days
and had no internet access.

i’m an open book with a torn out page and my ink’s run out. i want
to love you but i don’t know how
neptune – sleeping at last

songs seem to fill the hollow shell that is left of me in a way just saying
words never could.

don’t ask my opinion, don’t ask me to lie, then beg for forgiveness for making you cry. cause i’m only human after all, don’t put the blame on me.
human – rag’n’bone man

i sometimes wonder how humanity still exists. all we do is cause wars and create chaos.
i have not been on this earth very long, yet i am already tired of it.

today, day, i want to go away, way. cause things are too fast now. i want to be in slowtown.
slowtown – twenty one pilots

summer has just begun, yet it feels as if it will be gone tomorrow. i lie in my bed at light wondering if i will ever have the courage to do something bold enough to
leave a lasting mark.

everyday brings more pressure and fear than the last.
i just wish life could slow down.

today i am a year older.
the number will change.
i can only hope i will change with it, or i will be left behind.

stay alive
–
jenny

endings

school ended yesterday. i finished eighth grade. i thought i would feel something as i walked through the doors for the last time as a student, but i didn’t. the other kids were on the verge of tears, and some were sobbing quietly to themselves.

my entire class came together in a group hug and just looked at each other in complete silence like we didn’t want it to end.

i won’t miss getting up early, and desperately trying to fix whatever i saw wrong with myself that day. or trying to get that one kid who no one likes to leave me alone. or the constant stress to finish my homework, and get the the answers right(cause if i don’t know a plant cell’s structure or the pythagorean theorem i couldn’t possibly be worth anything).

i was fine. i comforted friends as they got into their cars. but i didn’t feel anything. i was only there for a year and a quarter, but i thought it would mean something more than a “see you this summer.”

high school’s coming. i’m honestly afraid to be homeschooled again for a reason i can’t find the words to explain. how do you survive so much change and never having a say in any of it? i don’t know.

it’s hard all the time and i know sometimes things seem hopeless but please, please

stay alive
–
jenny

 

one a.m.

it’s one a.m.
why, why am i awake?
i’ll write this poetry
the story of my mistakes

stay alive
–
jenny

trees

i know where you stand,
silent in the trees
trees, twenty øne piløts

my feet will sink, along with my soul
as i walk, trying to find home

its hard to conceal what’s inside
i find i have everything to hide

the trees seem tall enough to scratch the sky
i could climb to the top and away i could fly

I wanted to be a better daughter
but i feel as dirty as the water

---

i went to the park by my house after it rained to capture some photos.
there was no one else there.
gray days seem to clear my mind.

stay alive
–
jenny

 

coffee and the universe

I kind of suck at intros, so lets skip that bit.

i’m usually a tea drinker(china black is my preference) but my mom wanted
to take me, my sister, and my brother out for coffee.

hazelnut latte

that was basically my whole day.
after we were done with the lattes, we surveyed a board with numerous
business cards tacked onto it.
(i can’t remember the word for it.)

my brother had finished his coffee by then

i’ve been thinking a lot about the universe recently.
it’s hard to comprehend its infiniteness and boundlessness.
and then to think it’s Creator has no beginning and will have no end.
i’m left feeling like a falling star,
just a tiny speck, soon to fade out of existence.

i’ll leave you with that thought.

stay alive
–
jenny