last night was one of those nights where i couldn’t get to sleep, and when i finally did, it would only last for a few minutes.
it’s easy to write when the rest of the world is asleep. no one is looking over my shoulder or asking what i mean. truth is, meaning is hard. finding something to hold onto even when hope is hiding isn’t easy.
i hope you know what i mean.
here’s the last few months of my sleepless nights.
say we’re clueless and insecure
we’re just being kids
spent so much time killing ourselves
we forgot how to live
when the tables all turn
and the cards all fold
we were right to rebel
we won’t do as we’re told
you said you can do this on your own
you keep pushing me away
i know it hurts you inside
but i’ll come back again
you’ve been feeling so misplaced
but you found comfort in your hideaway
locked in your room
ding things you swore you’d never do again
but we all need you
we all need you here
so when morning comes
you’ll have to unlock your door
you can’t hide anymore
you’ll have to face the world
to you it’s just another night
but to me it’s another fight
shadows surround me now
and i am terrified of what’s inside of me
i want to be filled with you
but i feel so empty still
i wish i could talk to you
i know you’re listening
but i’ll keep it to myself
i’ve broken all my laws
but i won’t murder you too
there’s more, but i’m never really happy with what i write. this is all i could find that i liked enough to share.
school ended yesterday. i finished eighth grade. i thought i would feel something as i walked through the doors for the last time as a student, but i didn’t. the other kids were on the verge of tears, and some were sobbing quietly to themselves.
my entire class came together in a group hug and just looked at each other in complete silence like we didn’t want it to end.
i won’t miss getting up early, and desperately trying to fix whatever i saw wrong with myself that day. or trying to get that one kid who no one likes to leave me alone. or the constant stress to finish my homework, and get the the answers right(cause if i don’t know a plant cell’s structure or the pythagorean theorem i couldn’t possibly be worth anything).
i was fine. i comforted friends as they got into their cars. but i didn’t feel anything. i was only there for a year and a quarter, but i thought it would mean something more than a “see you this summer.”
high school’s coming. i’m honestly afraid to be homeschooled again for a reason i can’t find the words to explain. how do you survive so much change and never having a say in any of it? i don’t know.
it’s hard all the time and i know sometimes things seem hopeless but please, please
they say that you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes
but i don’t think that’s true
maybe the woman in high heels would rather be in converse
maybe the man in sneakers prefers italian leather
but i wouldn’t know
i’m too busy trying to find out who they are by their shoes
so i had an impromptu presentation in history class today.
I got so nervous that i started laughing.
i couldn’t stop and the teacher was just laughing back at me.
long story short, it was a train wreck, and i don’t think i even got
half the words out of my mouth.
the older i get, the more nervous i am.
i don’t know why.
it’s harder and harder and harder to look people in the
eyes, so i just look down now.
i’m usually a tea drinker(china black is my preference) but my mom wanted
to take me, my sister, and my brother out for coffee.
that was basically my whole day.
after we were done with the lattes, we surveyed a board with numerous
business cards tacked onto it.
(i can’t remember the word for it.)
i’ve been thinking a lot about the universe recently.
it’s hard to comprehend its infiniteness and boundlessness.
and then to think it’s Creator has no beginning and will have no end.
i’m left feeling like a falling star,
just a tiny speck, soon to fade out of existence.