midnight poetry

hey.

last night was one of those nights where i couldn’t get to sleep, and when i finally did, it would only last for a few minutes.

it’s easy to write when the rest of the world is asleep. no one is looking over my shoulder or asking what i mean. truth is, meaning is hard. finding something to hold onto even when hope is hiding isn’t easy.

i hope you know what i mean.

here’s the last few months of my sleepless nights.


4-19-18
say we’re clueless and insecure
we’re just being kids
spent so much time killing ourselves
we forgot how to live

when the tables all turn
and the cards all fold
we were right to rebel
we won’t do as we’re told

«            »

6-14-18
you said you can do this on your own
you keep pushing me away
i know it hurts you inside
but i’ll come back again

you’ve been feeling so misplaced
but you found comfort in your hideaway
locked in your room
ding things you swore you’d never do again

but we all need you
we all need you here
so when morning comes
you’ll have to unlock your door
you can’t hide anymore
you’ll have to face the world

(i’m sorry)

«            »

7-17-18
to you it’s just another night
but to me it’s another fight
shadows surround me now
and i am terrified of what’s inside of me
i want to be filled with you
but i feel so empty still
i wish i could talk to you
i know you’re listening
but i’ll keep it to myself
i’ve broken all my laws
but i won’t murder you too


there’s more, but i’m never really happy with what i write. this is all i could find that i liked enough to share.

stay alive

jenny

the real neat blogger award

hey broski.

have to say, i really regret writing that.

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anywayyyy, athena over at ath3na’s little corner has nominated me for the real neat blogger award. thanks athena! make sure you take a look at her blog, it’s pretty cool.

so, rules.
 – publish this on your blog by answering all the questions.
put up the award logo over that post.
– thank the person who nominated you and also thank the person who made this award.
– nominate bloggers and ask them your own set of questions.

the questions:

which harry potter house are you in/do you think you’d be in?
ok, please don’t hurt me but i’ve never actually read harry potter.

what’s the most current series that you’ve binge-watched?
stranger things. i can’t- it’s so good! mike and eleven are my otp.

what’s your favourite book series that you’ve ever read?
a series of unfortunate events. i read then when i was maybe eight or nine, but i’ve reread then countless times since then. (btw, if anyone has any reading suggestions, i’d love to hear them)

have you ever had any paranormal experiences?
i was three when we moved out, but when i was little some freaking weird stuff happened in my old house.

if you would travel back in time to any era, what would it be and what would you do there?
i would go to the eighties! mostly cause of stranger things. idk what i would to there. just walk around, i guess.


i nominate:
lonelymeme @ life in a blogshell
kelsie @ north two south
savannah @ stars and stories

my questions for the nominees:
what was the last thing that made you smile?
what are your thoughts on mac’n’cheese?
do you say duck duck goose or duck duck gray duck? (goose is the correct answer btw)


i can literally only think of three questions and they all suck, but what are you
going to do? nothing.

the whole duck duck goose/gray duck thing is because i went to summer camp last week and got into an argument with the entire camp because they all say gray duck but i say goose. i mean, what even is a gray duck?

love you all, make sure you listen to the new t∅p songs, and drink enough water.

stay alive

jenny

 

 

we are lost

hey frens!
i’m sure you all heard that eight second song clip twenty one pilots released last night.
i almost cried when i listened to it for the first time.

i thought i would share some photos i took a few days ago, that, after hearing the clip, i took another look at them and saw them in a new way.

(ahhhhh the hiatus might be over on friday!!!)

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scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity, scared of my own ceiling, fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety, don’t know what’s inside of me
doubt – twenty one pilots

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you say things with your moth cobwebs and flies come out
lovely – twenty one pilots

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take me up, seal the door, i don’t want to march here anymore. i realize that this line is dead, so i’ll follow you instead.
march to the sea – twenty one pilots

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where we’re from, there’s no sun, our hometown’s in the dark. where we’re
from, we’re no one
hometown – twenty one pilots

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the windowsill looks really nice, right? you think twice about your life, it probably happens at night, right? fight it, take the pain, ignite it
holding on to you – twenty one pilots

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why won’t you let me go? do i threaten all your plans, i’m insignificant
ode to sleep – twenty one pilots


tbh, twenty one pilots isn’t just even music for me anymore. they were the first band i got into that makes music that really means something. there has to be a reason truce is the only thing that can make me fall asleep when i wake up at 2 a.m.

idk.

i love you all very much, you’re so important to me.
remember to drink water, take your meds, and brush your teeth.

stay alive

jenny

slow it down for a second, would you?

hey there.
sorry for the short hiatus. i was visiting my grandparents for the past 11 days
and had no internet access.

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i’m an open book with a torn out page and my ink’s run out. i want
to love you but i don’t know how
neptune – sleeping at last

songs seem to fill the hollow shell that is left of me in a way just saying
words never could.

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don’t ask my opinion, don’t ask me to lie, then beg for forgiveness for making you cry. cause i’m only human after all, don’t put the blame on me.
human – rag’n’bone man

i sometimes wonder how humanity still exists. all we do is cause wars and create chaos.
i have not been on this earth very long, yet i am already tired of it.

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today, day, i want to go away, way. cause things are too fast now. i want to be in slowtown.
slowtown – twenty one pilots

summer has just begun, yet it feels as if it will be gone tomorrow. i lie in my bed at light wondering if i will ever have the courage to do something bold enough to
leave a lasting mark.

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everyday brings more pressure and fear than the last.
i just wish life could slow down.

today i am a year older.
the number will change.
i can only hope i will change with it, or i will be left behind.

stay alive

jenny

change is good sometimes

hey my dudes!
after attending a catholic school all year, and not being able to anything interesting with my appearance due to a uniform and dress code, i decided to do something a little crazy.

i’ve been wanting to dye my hair for a while now, and i finally got permission from my parents, and did it!

it took all of these supplies.

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my natural hair was brown with red highlights.

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sorry this picture is so horrible. it’s from my first day of school last year. i look way different now, but my hair color was the same.

anyway, before i actually dyed my hair, i had to bleach it.

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it looks kind of orange in the photo. it looked a little more blonde in real life.

i ended up with this:
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i was just really bored with my hair before. i think i’ll keep it like this in high school.
so, what do you guys think?

it’s getting hot out now that it’s summer, so make sure you drink lots of water,
okay? love you.

stay alive

jenny

awesome blogger award

hey my lovely flowers!
(i was typing followers, but flowers ended up on the screen. I like it better.)

the wonderful(who basically is my aesthetic) apollo over on killjoy has nominated me for the awesome blogger award. thanks apollo!

awesome-blogger-award

okay, so the rules are

~ thank the person who nominated you ~
~ include the reason behind the award ~
~ include the banner in your post ~
~ tag it under #awesomebloggeraward in the reader ~
~ answer the questions your nominator gave you ~
~ nominate at least five awesome bloggers ~
~ give your nominees ten new questions to answer ~
~ let your nominees know they’ve been nominated! ~

the awesome blogger award was originally created by maggie @dreaming of guatemala . this is an award for the absolutely wonderful writers all across the blogging world. they have beautiful blogs, are kind and lovely, and always find a way to add happiness and laughter to the lives of their readers. that is what truly defines an awesome blogger. ~~~coffeelovingbookoholic

okay, now the questions.

1) what do you usually doodle on your papers?
i usually draw these flowers and vines. it’s like the only thing i can draw, so it pops up pretty often on my papers(and on my arms).
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2) how do you want to be seen by others?
i never really thought about it until now. i guess i don’t really know for sure, but i want to be seen as the quiet girl the thinks about things but stands up when she needs to. i want to leave something behind after i’m gone.

3) do you enjoy people watching?
yes, but only to see their unique habits, the way they move, or react. not to have a laugh.

4) what are your plans for this weekend?
you think i actually have plans. you’re funny.
I hope to see infinity war with my friend amira.
amira, this is me inviting you.

5) what was your last dream about?
i was in my kitchen, drinking coffee or tea, i don’t know, and my best friend from like, fifth grade walked in and started talking about tom holland.

6) if you were a color, what would it be?
i would be yellow, because the sun is yellow, and the sun is hot, like me.
(i’m so sorry, please don’t leave, i promise i won’t do it again.)
seriously though, i would be gray, because i don’t know gray. it makes me feel a million different things that i can’t quite identify.

7) what wouldn’t you do to help a friend?
i wouldn’t do anything that could hurt them. sometimes people try to hurt themselves without knowing. i love my friends and would never let that happen.

8) do you think your blog is a good representation of who you really are?
I think it’s a better representation of who i really am than how i act in front of people. if my friends and family read my blog, they’d probably just say i was being dramatic.

9) what are three songs you connect with right now?
broken by lovelytheband
“i like that you’re lonely, lonely like me. i could be lonely with you”


kitchen sink by twenty one pilots
“i’m a kitchen sink. you don’t know what that means, because a kitchen
sink to you 
is not a kitchen sink to me, okay, friend?”

waving through a window from dear evan hansen
“we start with stars in our eyes. we start believing that we belong, but every
sun doesn’t rise, and no one tells you where you went wrong”

10) do you consider yourself a romantic?
i’m a hopeless one, but definitely a romantic.


i nominate:
chloe luna @ midnight wanderer
romi @ don’t ask me what went wrong
charli @ star-freckld
bethany @ dear universe
mckenna @ alternate galaxy

my questions:
1) if you ever told someone you loved them, would you want them to remember?
2) stay up late or wake up early?
3) how would you describe your aesthetic?
4) do you think graffiti is vandalism or art?
5) last song you listened to?
6) do you want to get married?
7) leather jacket or hoodie?
8) how would you describe yourself physically, in the three words?
9) what is one of your nervous habits?
10) if you could change your name, what would it be?

sooooo that’s it. thanks for sticking around.
remember to drink plenty of water and don’t ever give up, okay?

stay alive

jenny

endings

school ended yesterday. i finished eighth grade. i thought i would feel something as i walked through the doors for the last time as a student, but i didn’t. the other kids were on the verge of tears, and some were sobbing quietly to themselves.

my entire class came together in a group hug and just looked at each other in complete silence like we didn’t want it to end.

i won’t miss getting up early, and desperately trying to fix whatever i saw wrong with myself that day. or trying to get that one kid who no one likes to leave me alone. or the constant stress to finish my homework, and get the the answers right(cause if i don’t know a plant cell’s structure or the pythagorean theorem i couldn’t possibly be worth anything).

i was fine. i comforted friends as they got into their cars. but i didn’t feel anything. i was only there for a year and a quarter, but i thought it would mean something more than a “see you this summer.”

high school’s coming. i’m honestly afraid to be homeschooled again for a reason i can’t find the words to explain. how do you survive so much change and never having a say in any of it? i don’t know.

it’s hard all the time and i know sometimes things seem hopeless but please, please

stay alive

jenny

 

looking down

they say that you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes
but i don’t think that’s true
maybe the woman in high heels would rather be in converse
maybe the man in sneakers prefers italian leather
but i wouldn’t know
i’m too busy trying to find out who they are by their shoes
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so i had an impromptu presentation in history class today.
I got so nervous that i started laughing.
i couldn’t stop and the teacher was just laughing back at me.
long story short, it was a train wreck, and i don’t think i even got
half the words out of my mouth.

the older i get, the more nervous i am.
i don’t know why.
it’s harder and harder and harder to look people in the
eyes, so i just look down now.

is it just me?
i hope not.

stay alive

jenny

trees

i know where you stand,
silent in the trees
trees, twenty øne piløts

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my feet will sink, along with my soul
as i walk, trying to find home

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its hard to conceal what’s inside
i find i have everything to hide

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the trees seem tall enough to scratch the sky
i could climb to the top and away i could fly

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I wanted to be a better daughter
but i feel as dirty as the water


i went to the park by my house after it rained to capture some photos.
there was no one else there.
gray days seem to clear my mind.

stay alive

jenny